So there I am, 6 weeks later, followed a strict diet, nervously waiting for the ceremony to begin.
The Shaman has interviewed us all, we have been cleansed down with Palo Santo and he has started with the protection prayers to begin ceremony.
We get called up one by one to sit in front of the shaman and get served a cup of Ayahuasca.
As I seem to have a lot of resistance to let go I get served a full cup.
It is a thick molasses kind of substance and it tastes a bit licorice to me.
I lay back down on my mattress and try not to have any expectations and be as humble as I can be, as the shaman has said this is what mother Ayahuasca loves.
I sit on my knees and pray for her to show me what I need to see, that I am willing to do the work.
The second round of Ayahuasca is served. Another full cup for me and back on my knees.
The Icaros that are sung are beautiful, but I am not breaking through.
time for the 3rd round. The shaman looks at me and says, you need to surrender... I take the 3rd full cup.
I surrender with all I have, but surrendering in the mind is something else then truly letting go with everything inside.
And then suddenly it happens.
I start to see colors and geometric patterns in a kaleidoscope vision.
I feel the Ayahuasca flowing through my veins taking over my body.
The shaman calls out to the entire room to breathe, but I was sure the message was for me.
Focussing on your breath is the best way to stay calm when feeling overwhelmed by what is happening.
So I breathe and breathe...
I can actually see the Icaros flowing like a timeline.
It is actually the storyline of my life. I can choose to step into a specific story for a limited amount of time (as long as the Icaros is being sung), but my controlling mind chooses to observe. As ready as I thought I was, the moment you have to face your darkness, your ego plays all the tricks it knows to try and escape.
And escape I do! Mother Ayahuasca let's me but firmly reminds me, now that you understand how this works, you need to do your work!
I have only booked 1 ceremony but I feel I need another one.
The next morning the calling is so strong that I need to stay.
I decide I will.
I have a son to take care and have to arrange care for him.
It is a challenge to get it all arranged as people back home do not understand what I am doing or what Ayahuasca is. I just know, that staying here will make me a better mother too.
Eventually I get it all arranged and I am ready for another night. But now I will have to do the work!
The 2nd Ceremony
I have hardly slept or eaten anything and I can feel myself getting more sensitive.
This is the way she is breaking me open. I have such a strong mind. And with sleep deprivation and no energy my mind is starting to get weak.
Around 8 pm we gather in the ceremony room again and start the second ceremony.
Everything goes the same for me as day one, up to the third cup, and again it starts.
The fight against the ego of letting go and letting this plant spirit take over my body.