So there I am, 6 weeks later, followed a strict diet, nervously waiting for the ceremony to begin.
The Shaman has interviewed us all, we have been cleansed down with Palo Santo and he has started with the protection prayers to begin ceremony.
We get called up one by one to sit in front of the shaman and get served a cup of Ayahuasca.
As I seem to have a lot of resistance to let go I get served a full cup.
It is a thick molasses kind of substance and it tastes a bit licorice to me.
I lay back down on my mattress and try not to have any expectations and be as humble as I can be, as the shaman has said this is what mother Ayahuasca loves.
I sit on my knees and pray for her to show me what I need to see, that I am willing to do the work.
Nothing happens....
The second round of Ayahuasca is served. Another full cup for me and back on my knees.
The Icaros that are sung are beautiful, but I am not breaking through.
time for the 3rd round. The shaman looks at me and says, you need to surrender... I take the 3rd full cup.
I surrender with all I have, but surrendering in the mind is something else then truly letting go with everything inside.
And then suddenly it happens.
I start to see colors and geometric patterns in a kaleidoscope vision.
I feel the Ayahuasca flowing through my veins taking over my body.
The shaman calls out to the entire room to breathe, but I was sure the message was for me.
Focussing on your breath is the best way to stay calm when feeling overwhelmed by what is happening.
So I breathe and breathe...
I can actually see the Icaros flowing like a timeline.
It is actually the storyline of my life. I can choose to step into a specific story for a limited amount of time (as long as the Icaros is being sung), but my controlling mind chooses to observe. As ready as I thought I was, the moment you have to face your darkness, your ego plays all the tricks it knows to try and escape.
And escape I do! Mother Ayahuasca let's me but firmly reminds me, now that you understand how this works, you need to do your work!
I have only booked 1 ceremony but I feel I need another one.
The next morning the calling is so strong that I need to stay.
I decide I will.
I have a son to take care and have to arrange care for him.
It is a challenge to get it all arranged as people back home do not understand what I am doing or what Ayahuasca is. I just know, that staying here will make me a better mother too.
Eventually I get it all arranged and I am ready for another night. But now I will have to do the work!
The 2nd Ceremony
I have hardly slept or eaten anything and I can feel myself getting more sensitive.
This is the way she is breaking me open. I have such a strong mind. And with sleep deprivation and no energy my mind is starting to get weak.
Around 8 pm we gather in the ceremony room again and start the second ceremony.
Everything goes the same for me as day one, up to the third cup, and again it starts.
The fight against the ego of letting go and letting this plant spirit take over my body.
The temperature in the room seems to go from freezing cold to hot. I find myself in a loop of shivering and then trowing off all blankets and sweating.
I get the message that is just my mind that thinks I'm cold and as soon as I have that insight I can actually control my own temperature I am no longer cold. I burst into laughter and can't stop giggling. Trying not to disturb other participants I laugh into my pillow.
Allright she has me now!
I am floating out of my body.
Soon the laughter turns into tears, I can see myself taking care of others all the time, but not taking the time for myself. Always putting others first. It is draining me, making me sick. Here comes the purge.
I feel so ill that in a normal situation I would have probably called an ambulance lol.
The bucket is my best friend and every time I purge I hold the bucket tighter.
Another purge is on the way, The guilt I have been carrying around of my father's passing,
the abuse I have endured in my relationships, the purging doesn't seem to end. I can feel the whole room and it seems like a group process where we are purging for and with each other. It is the weirdest thing.
A spray of Agua Florida lightens up the air and the strum of a guitar brings me back into the room.
What did I just experience? I have no words...
No sleep for me again as Mother Ayahuasca seemed to have a bigger plan.
At the start of the sharing the next morning I hear a voice saying; "You are not leaving"
My ego comes up with all sort of excuses why I can't stay. But suddenly I can see light beings around the people sitting around the table. I blink, am I going crazy? Nope this is really happening. At the end of the sharing it is clear, I am staying for a 3rd ceremony to complete this magical journey.
Still no sleep and with very little food I can't handle being around to many people. I can feel all the energies. It feels like I am electrically wired. I seclude myself until the ceremony starts.
The 3rd Ceremony
I feel it is going to be a big night. And oh boy was I in for a surprise!
30 minutes after taking my first cup of Ayahuasca there it was.
The big imposing gates what seemed to me as the entrance of the magical kingdom of ayahuasca.
The gates were opening and I was flowing through a tunnel with different compartments.
In one of them I could think of a person and see their body, then I could look through that body spiritually dissecting them if that makes sense and see what needed to be healed.
The next room was the room of questions where I could ask anything I wanted, I was so astonished that I couldn't come up with anything to ask.
I had visions of a retreat center, a community and not sure yet what that ment yet.
I went higher and higher flying through the universe connecting with my father and being in bliss.
My whole human existence was gone I was nothing but energy. I came to the highest place it felt like for me and was one with source, god, whatever you may call it.
I had the realization everything we need to know is already inside. I am the expression of source manifested on this earth. We are here to experience, to share, to love. We are all responsible for our own lives. All the books of Wayne dyer I had read suddenly made sense. I found the missing puzzle piece. I didn't just understand it mentally, but I could feel it in every part of myself.
A light switch came on. Almost literally. Even though the room was pitch dark, it was illuminated for me. I could see a grid like pattern covering the room, energy lines everywhere. I could see how the shaman was receiving the Icaros and how they were transmuted to the participants.
I have never seen anything more magical in my life.
As the Ayahuasca wore off and the grid slowly disappeared, I dawned on me that the things I had seen and learned in my journey were still there, there has been a shift, a major shift in how I look at myself. the world and the people around me. An Awakening!
I was ecstatic! In love with with everything and everyone.
I am forever grateful that I was able to experience these 3 days.
And I would go on to find my calling and make it possible for others to have a chance to experience what I had experienced. But that is a whole other story.
Experiences with Ayahuasca are very personal and different for everyone.
You don't always get what you want but you will get what you need is a common phrase in the world of Ayahuasca.
So i invite you to please share your experiences with Ayahuasca.
With Love & Light
Tamara
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